YTuesday, February 28, 2006
i've done many wrongs in life..and im never gona escape from it
all the sins and all the obsessions in life just to be complete.

give me a reason not to shed tis tears.a reason that's far from the obvious cuz my vulnerability is takin its toll on me. i make decisions upon decisions and i always will turn my back against them. i spat ultimatums to ppl who hurt me and to myself and i go back on them each time i see a glimpse of hope or relieve.

the best thing that have ever happened to me was being born into tis world into this life.with so many things to learn from and be glad for.

the worst thing was being wat i am now. staring into this box of technology jotting down my heartaches disappointments and pain. finding ways to complete tis emptiness and find things or someone to help me pass this phase of my life faster..an exodus to this continuous letdowns.bollocks.

in the end of all this i know that there aint no escape.that there will be no shortcut to paradise. that i will be in the same place again. that i'd still have to take the long route that's filled with so many waves and crashes.

crossing over to the other side of the world is exhausting..yet i wana be happy.
i dun wana go back on decisions made time and time again.
sometimes i just duno myself..who am i really?
one moment i can be tis heartless apathetic demented ass..the next moment tis lost and clumsy girl who seems to be jinxed and the next this sweet girl who people look up to.

what am i now? like a code waiting to be deciphered.
i hafta figure myself out..wat the heck.
like wat ppl will always say...
"you're only 19".HEH.
_callous_ was here with you at 11:34 PM .

YThursday, February 23, 2006
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask oursleves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence automatically liberates others."

- Maryanne Williamson
_callous_ was here with you at 1:12 AM .

YMonday, February 20, 2006
i apparently wrote this just now wen i was bored cuz i couldnt think..hehe
SO i'd like to share it wit u guys...
enjoy... and tell me wat u think =)

.Blessed.

There was this girl whose tryina find her way
She was lost in her own world
Finding answers for questions upon questions
She can't find them n she lost herself

What happened to that genial girl?
Where is she gona go..?
Where is life gona take her to?
Is she gona give up looking?
Ultimately.?

I was that girl till u came along
I was lost of hope and believe
Not knowing my worth cause nobody's there
I was alone..and bleaked of my fate
Eremophobia was my greatest fear

When you came into this life of mine
And showed me the colours of the rainbow
I'm ecstatic again
I know I'm alive again
You are the answer to my prayer

The angel sent from up above
Restoring my strength, reasoning my faith
Blessed truly by your presence
I am truly blessed by you..

You make me want to dance again
Sing and laugh ludicrously again
Resonating me with your wits and
Completing me with your soulful aura

My mind when I couldn’t think
The air when I couldn’t breathe
My soul when I was lost in me
The sound mind tat keeps me goin..

Im blessed..
Truly..
By your heart and bona fides..
_callous_ was here with you at 7:16 PM .

YSunday, February 19, 2006
Wind Beneath My Wings

It must have been cold there in my shadow
To never have sunlight on your face
You were content to let me shine, that's your way
You always walked a step behind

So, I was the one with all the glory
While you were the one with all the strain

A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain

Did you ever know that you're my hero
And everything I would like to be
I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings

It might have appeared to go unnoticed
But I've got it all here in my heart

I want you to know, I know the truth, of course I know you
I would be nothing without you

Did you ever know that you're my hero
You're everything I wish I could be
I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings

Did I ever tell you you're my hero
You're everything, everything I wish I could be

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
Cause you are the wind beneath my wings
Oh, the wind beneath my wings

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings
Fly, fly, fly away, you let me fly so high
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings
Fly, fly, so high in the sky
So high, I almost touch the stars

Thank you, thank you, thank God for you
The wind beneath my wings
_______________________

Despite the distance and the lack of time spent
im tellin u that ur still my One and Only..

no one can ever be truly blessed to have a sister like you..
i am blessed..and i always will be regardless of the circumstances..
i love you.

"i carry ur heart...i carry it in my heart"

blessed =)
_callous_ was here with you at 11:11 PM .

YThursday, February 16, 2006
i was lonely and searching..and trust me, i still am. but im not sad..neither am i ecstatic.
but im half full in a cup..no longer half empty.

so come and hurt me and despise me..give me all those criticisms and maddening remarks..i dun give a damn. ur just gona be like everybody else..dissing and criticizing..without lookin at urself in the mirror.

being independent and numb is really all it takes..
experiences taught me not to follow my hurt and ignore matters of the heart. im on my own..but it doesnt make me weak. it makes me wiser and in time..i know i'll be complete..i'll meet that person..
when the time comes..i know i'l be greater than ecstatic..cuz i wun be a cup half full..*wink*

i spent loads of time alone searching for myself..figurin out what i wana do in life..questioning myself..
what do i really want out of all this?

i still havent figure it out..and im gona spend every moment in solitude tryin to do so..theres however only one thing im sure of..
to make my loved ones happy.to complete them the way i long to be completed..
and noo...i dun wana end up bein a spinster..haha
im just puttin the thougths of relationships at the back of my head..for now.

yesterday, i sat lookin..at the sight of the people around me.. i was amazed by the kaleidoscopic image..the many mixtures and blends of characters and personalities..i never realised how beautiful life is..how the Lord actually is an Almighty..how great is the work of the Creator. overwhlemed by the happiness of others and saddened by the fact that i've only realised life's true beauty now..
its never too late i guess..heh..as long as im alive..it's all good. =)

dun be depressed..and live life in misery..ur never truly lonely..unless if u choose to.
stop thinking that u serve no purpose in this life cuz u'll never realise wat big tasks u were meant to hold.. there is nothing wrong in sharing other's happiness and its not a sin to be happy wen others are not..u dun need someone to make u happy..wat makes u think that someone else would wana be wit u wen ur that sad of a case?

trust me..i know. being lonely is sick and it hurt. but its worst of when ur lonely, sad AND depressed..think abt it.

btw guys...smile! its ok if it makes u look a lil retarded..
its the first step to a beautiful day... =D

*smiling*

Lord Bless
_callous_ was here with you at 2:06 AM .

YSaturday, February 11, 2006
weettzzzz!!

today is madness~...haha.i feel rejuvenated.
like all my confidence came back full force and its like the right timing! haha. =))

my sis was like confused how come i suddenly got superbly hyper and happy out of the blue after weeks of esteem problems LAH. male species problems LAH. school problems LAH. haha.
(i cant believe there's singlish dictionary online!!)

owelll...its all in a matter of time aint it.
till u realise that shedding tears and worrying is all just a waste of every workin muscle, wearing your body out.heh. im just exhausted of wondering what happens if this goes this way...or that.
i've learnt that we should just do our best in whatever, and never look back on it. as long as there's no regrets of 'what if'. accept the fact that wats done cant be undone..and that if the outcome is not to our favour..its OK.really.

life is total madness...it makes u realise beautiful things in the strangest possible way..and all tis bonkers ways are usually the ways where we really learn.HAHA.crAzee.

i saw the fireworks today..at esplanade and it was beautiful.
stood there for whole 2mins+..watched it wit my one and only and my sista..texted him and told him abt it..only to realise that there aint no reply.im not taken aback really cuz it's all expected.only kinda sad cuz, i had to stick to my decision to numb my feelings.hehe...its realllleee not all that bad..

i only got one focus noww...rocking on for the exams and then..
freeedddoommm.......

well..i've been wanting to say
Ellyas..i miss you..HAS! ur hair so totallllyyy rockkssss!!!
Irfan..tell her u miss her if u really do..
Sue..hang onto him if u know he deserves the chance..
Shi..dun hafta do anything..let it all flow..ur already doin alrite..=)
Kengkee..no matter wat, u noe im here.and yea..its a "new" fon after the 8210 and pink razor.HAHA.

The rest of u..u noe i mean it wen i say i care for u. =D
embrace love..cuz..

God loves us.
I love tis..magnifique.hehe
_callous_ was here with you at 3:40 AM .

YThursday, February 09, 2006
..Ku Katakan dengan Indah..

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
__________________________
the foolishness of fallin for someone..u still fall and care and try..despite all the hurt tat he/she caused u and all the lack of attention he/she gave u..
ur not a fool.and he/she doesnt make u one. ur just blinded by the hopes tat u think mite come by..regardless of d fact tt miracles do happen, its still rare.

and its not that he/she dun care, he/she does..but not the way u want him/her to..and its not that he/she hurt u..he's/she's just unaware cuz he/she's simply uninterested.BUT im not saying tat u cant make him/her fall for u..
tat u should give up..

i think we should take time off..to decide if he/she is worth the heartbreak. if not..i believe we should save ourselves from the pain and time..and just go out and look for someone who deserves tat chance.
cuz altho he/she dun love u..u noe ur special..and u surely deserve to be loved by someone who deserves to love u.

wat's love without hurt..?
take the chance to experience hurt without regrets..so tat u know how to treasure love when it finally becomes urs..
~tats wat i believe.

patience is the key to virtue.so lets not rush shall we..? =)

Lord Bless
_callous_ was here with you at 1:42 PM .

YWednesday, February 08, 2006
"in real life love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive wen the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person u desire"

my fren and i spoke of men and relationships. how complicated they can actually get. we talked abt takin chances.and talked abt risks.

only to realise how stupid we are to try to fathom the unfathomable. we can never understand love. and we cant also understand man. even if we try..we will fail. cuz that's just the way it is. love just really transcends all boundaries..it is a hirearchy of its own..u fall for someone. someone whom u cant even be with when there's another guy standing there..givin u all that u need.why?

it's just us.humans.always wanting sth that we can never have.it's always our dream that we are after..so he could be ur perfect other. BUT he's always not feeling the same way or showing u mixed signals..

and then..i duno wat else to say.i cant advise u cuz im lost myself.heh.just think about the quote and follow ur mind and heart wen it is one.
women, remember tho ur morale..

be patient..and remember that it's better to live life hurting of the truth than to live life hurting of regrets. cuz wit hurt, u learn and wit regret u'll only be in remorse wondering "what if".

and for the guy whose always dressed in white, i only have eyes for you. =)

Lord Bless
_callous_ was here with you at 9:31 PM .

YMonday, February 06, 2006
u cant break me cuz im already broken.

sometimes...people just loathe seeing you happy. they will just find means and ways to irritate the shyt out of u.

from someone wit loadsa experience..do tis.

dun give a shyt and shrug it off..cuz only u know better.hehen

it's not abt bein apathetic..it's abt having enough. when people keep playing the shyt out of u..fooling you..draining you.im guessing that it should be high time for u to not give a damn abt tis people.

it wun be easy at first..but wen it's all done.and u succeed ignoring, it's alll gooodd...and plain madness..ahaha.

move on.when tings dun go ur way, move on. if it all turns shitty, shrug it off and just move on. =)

if things were ever meant to be..it'll all come back to you..always remember tat He has better plans for u..for every obstacles and setbacks, there'll be better things ahead of u. faith and belief is all it takes. so dun stop believing...

May the Lord bless you. =)
_callous_ was here with you at 12:55 AM .

YThursday, February 02, 2006
Metamorphosis- A transformation, as by magic or sorcery

That process could be me..morphing into someone so real yet so unsure. Im not lost in myself..im just sort of confused. tho i know that this is what i want..i am kinda clueless at times of the things that im going thru..the people around me and the passers-by comin in and out of my life.

what's up wit me..?

i am not really aware of my purpose in mourning and yearning of contentment and im not really aware of the reason to why i am always feelin so blue. neither am i aware of the dissapearance of the girl i once knew..
the down-to-earth hypractive, loco loony girl who always brightens up the day of the people around her..what happened.??

i am really not sure..but im out to get her back.
cuz if i cant make myself happy..who can? haha =D

so people do come in and out of ur life and some just vanish into thin air..
some leave a scar that hurt or a footprint that alters you..
whatever the markings could be, their presence have a purpose..all of them. everyone that u come across or get to know have a reason to be there..
they enlighten u into things that ur not aware of..

for instance, if a guy walks in and out of ur life..talkin to u only if he feels like talkin. knowin that u fancy him..n ur dumb vulnerable self get eluded by his jerkiness
only to then realise that he's makin use of u..enjoyin the ride and thus, regret engulfed u..u keep sayin
"shouldn't have done tis" or tat..
then..woopz.too late!

u swear urself off of guys only to find urself talkin to another guy and yada yada..but with each experiences wit every guy u become more aware..more cautious..stronger..no matter how slow the process or how many times u keep makin the same mistake over and over again..
each guy that used u actually wakes u up. teaches u how to not be vulnerable..how to be strong..how not having a lover doesnt necessarily spell spinster.HAHA.

we should take a look at things that way..that every hurt caused by everyone ard u teaches or shows u somethg..these are some of the lessons in life tat most humans fail to consider to rectify.including me.

well people..i learnt that miracles DO happen..
if u just let go off that "other" in ur life, in ur heart..who keeps pulling u back to square one..that "other" who always tells u that u'll be 'safer' tis way..who pollute ur mind that whatever ur thinking is gona hurt u. that ur plans are just bound to tumble..that "other" in you who keeps u cautious and afraid of takin the chance..
dun let him take control of you..ur in control of urself. tell that "other" in you that u're in charge. let him go..let him stay at that corner.he's done enough damage.

what's life without hurt, problems and sufferings..?
what's love without the series of heartbreaks?
what's a statement without a meaning?
what's you without taking control of yourself?

we are all growin..older not younger. dun wori abt the what ifs..just dive in and swim..and explore the deep blue sea..there may be sharks and jellyfish..but there are also coral reefs and pearls..it's the matter of how keen and how much faith u have in urself and how strong u are.
you are strong.

everything in life has two meanings..two outcomes and two sides. thus, defining the fact that the Lord really created such a thing that everything comes in pairs.. the sun accompanied by the moon..the female and the male..happiness and sadness..a yes and a no..to be loved or heartbroken..
to learn..or to be dumb.

consider this..and im sure u'll be an optimists and things will sail..
living life will be a breeze and u'll be the one person that people look up to
(not like it matters..hehe).

p/s: im sorry sis..I LOVE YOU. ur still my one and only and kak sha..ur not a burden..ur a gift. thanks fer loving me.

loved and embracing the beauty of this life..my life.

Lord bless.
_callous_ was here with you at 12:36 PM .